Column i: Milk Menace

My fragile nose can't handle milk

Isabel Sullivan, Opinion Editor

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Most people give themselves bloody noses by hitting their head on something, or getting punched, even falling down. However, it had been well established that I was not like most people by the time I was in 2nd grade, when within the first two months of school, I had given myself a multitude of nosebleeds from doing something so familiar to anyone in this school district; chugging milk at lunch. I don’t think this needs much backstory other than the fact that I had just started second grade, and I wanted people to be impressed with me. Being impressive was all the rage in 2008, and I needed to have some credibility, it was a new class and I needed a BFF fast if I wanted to spend recess doing something other than sitting under the slide and reading, 2nd grade was a fresh start.

Sometime in the first two weeks of school, the 3rd grade boys in my class carried out a long-held tradition for elementary schoolers, a milk chugging contest. The concept of this baffled me, but regardless, there was a competition, and I had to win. When it came to me, the time to beat was 25 seconds, and I was getting nervous.
What if I choked?
What if I choked and died?
What if I choked and died and they told my mom?
Concerns aside the most important thing was winning this competition and proving my credibility as an impressive 7-year-old.

I popped open my milk carton, and started chugging, about 10 seconds in I felt like I was going to choke. Now, the smart thing to do would’ve been to stop, but I didn’t do that, I needed to win. Time seemed to move in slow motion as I started to choke. Chocolate milk filled my nose. I would like to say that having milk in your nose is one of the least pleasant feelings I have ever experienced. I wouldn’t recommend it. There was milk all over my desk and at the time making sure that the teachers didn’t see was my first priority, so I didn’t notice that alongside the milk there was blood dripping out of my nose. I didn’t realize that I had a bloody nose until I saw the blood drip onto my forest green corduroy pants.

That’s when I was put on milk probation. I could only drink milk supervised, but that was a loophole I could get around, breakfast was minimally supervised. The probation lasted less than a month, because when the chugging competitions passed, all the second and third graders were onto the next competition.

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